I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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