I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Saturday
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins