@imteddybless

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

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@Fickle_Filly

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

@ToriTheMom

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

@KenJennings

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@tastefactory

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

@LizHackett

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

@JohnLyonTweets

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

@aka_fatman

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

@PaperWash

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”