I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Meow?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..