“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life