I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
You Might Also Like
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again