I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
For those that worship cheese..
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Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“Wow, it’s like every single member of my family is clinically insane,” I said, and then a cold chill ran up my spine…
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down