I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.