I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent