I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?