@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

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@junejuly12

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

@jdawsey1

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

@radtoria

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

@TheAlexNevil

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

@Hormonella

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

@Love_bug1016

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.