@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

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@TheFakeCNN

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

@SchmuckOnAHorse

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

@JediGigi

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

@rsf788

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@duumb

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.