I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

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The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom


NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”


ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing


Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.


Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .


The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)


Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.


Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.


No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.