@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

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@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

@MollyERA

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

@MattMcElaney

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

@bazecraze

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

@Ndeshi_M

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?