I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.


“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.


The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.


Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.


I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.


wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*


Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?


[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel


Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.