I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.