I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.


“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”


Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*


Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.


A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.


Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?