I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.