I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.