I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’d hang this in my house.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff