I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
who called it hell and not heaven’t
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix