@SonOfCha

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

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@ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

@IamEnidColeslaw

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

@sofarrsogud

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

@yoyoha

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

@Birdhumms

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

@pilau

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

@dsmitty_62

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

@

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate