I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate