I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support


trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song


Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.


[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.


WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.


every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood


*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent


Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*


I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today


I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate