I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The best shot in the history of golf
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
rise and shine we got egg
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.