I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
You Might Also Like
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Yup.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.