“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.