I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.