I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
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If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
brian had himself a morning…
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”