I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.