I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty