I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Wait for it
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.