Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”