I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one