I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover