I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Poetry is my passion
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis