I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
omg leave her alone
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.