I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
This dude got his own movie?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes