I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
This is a true ally.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
There’s never enough good news