I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
A new level of troll.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps