“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Pass gas, not judgment.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this