I came this close!!!!
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I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk