I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!