@bridger_w
@noog Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
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@noog Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
@BruceForce I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
@Mardigroan That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
@11111234567890a It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
@notalogin If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
@AmericanGent69 Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
@therepoguy My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
@TheIronSherk [Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
@noog When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.