I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO


Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.


I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.


That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.


It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing


If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.


My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.


[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-



What the heck?

A 3G board?


When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.