@bridger_w

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

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@noog

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

@

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@Mardigroan

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

@11111234567890a

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

@notalogin

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@therepoguy

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

@TheIronSherk

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

@noog

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.