I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?