I can also cook 馃槀
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Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[fumbling with my phone as I鈥檓 being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I鈥檒l take the job
Willy Wonka:
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Weirdly Wednesday.
Silly you… one can鈥檛 throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Baby bump? That鈥檚 a McRib bump.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The Mrs: Why haven鈥檛 you done laundry?
Me: I鈥檓 recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I鈥檓 also recycling my excuses
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host鈥檚 furniture is too heavy to flip
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn鈥檛 playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 馃And this, kids, is why we don鈥檛 talk to the police without a lawyer present 馃ぃ
I like to yell 鈥淪tranger danger!鈥漺henever my boss introduces me to a new client.