i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE