I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
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[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag