I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?


One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.


The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.


Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”


The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.


Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.


Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.


If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.


A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth