I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
How about daylight saves us for once
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry