“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You Might Also Like
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
🙄😏😂🤣
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Planet of the Apps.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Möther may I have a snäck
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work