I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.