@enigmaterics

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

@ellewasamistake

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

@RYGdance

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

@Gupton68

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

@HatfieldAnne

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

@eminmien

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

@ceejoyner

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.