I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Mornin
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house