I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?