I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You Might Also Like
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.