I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?