I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”