I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one