I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
based al yankovic
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.