I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
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To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
water it, i dare you
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.