@dxvidjb

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

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@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

@ScottLinnen

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

@AnOrangeSNES

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

@itsmegangraves

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

@MythicPicnic

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

@DanMentos

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

@CatsVsHumanity

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

@NicSampson

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

@AComicTragedy

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.