I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.


Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.


I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.


When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying


Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did


me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go


Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet


“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”


“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”


Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.