I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left