I can fix him.
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
2022 will be better than 2021
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Has science gone too far?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I can’t deal with men any longer